how to be house shaman like urg

you are ‘previous owner’ now

did you buy a new cave? is this your first time buying a cave? it’s scary, i know. And everyone tries to screw you over the whole time, nobody is helping, but everyone acts like they helping. Very un-shaman-like behavior, but, such is capitalism.

Luckily, Urg has compiled list of things to teach on their first time (or maybe not even first time! it’s ok to forget!) things to make sure their cave stays nice and not stupid.

How does Urg know these things? Urg has messed up a lot. Urg wants you to not have to endure pain that Urg has endured.

Urg has also done a lot of good things. Sometimes Urg is clever by being dumb. Urg knows you can do this too because Urg did it and Urg is not special.

Here is list of things to know, and personal checklist/knowledge check of things to do in new house, and some rules for becoming house shaman:

water demon control (water = life juice but also water = rot juice)

• DO NOT SKIP! main water shutoff location (test it!! EVERYONE IN CAVE NEEDS TO KNOW, EVEN YOUNG GOBLINS!)
• water meter location
• exterior hose bibs: Freeze bad. Check for backflow preventers
• water heater: gas/electric, age, pressure relief valve tested? Sediment flush?
• drainage slope outside? Gutters? Downspouts 6ft away from house?
• Sump pump? Backup? Test them

Urg says: Water is bad demon to temple house. Control demon and is ok. Water flow down, is unstoppable, but easy to direct. Water in basement? Check gutters, not basement repair greedies, they tell you all bad things to scare for steal your coin.

electric panel (harness lightning bolts like true shaman)

• Locate panel, test all breakers, label. (NOT “Jessica’s Room!” Make diagram if need)
  • if you want to be fancy, make spreadsheet and print! update when changes + adds. Then you have history! Not always useful but fun to see progress.
• GFCI and AFCI locations - test the buttons. TEST/RESET! is easy.
• aluminum wiring? Two-prong outlets? Open em up! Knowing is good.
• check outlets for being wired goofy and dumb. If one is, bet all are.
• Know all the switches/outlets! Does an outlet not work? Not know what switch does? You must know. Must find out!
• Extension cords doing what outlets should? You can fix this! And should!
• Confirm circuits for HVAC, sump, and fridge. Everyone needs to know. not just ‘fixer shaman’!
• Learn to use a non-contact voltage tester (don’t die being dumb)

Urg says: Prior owner did dumb. Is ok. You are also prior owner now. Try to not be dumb as much. Use voltage tester always. Trying to not die is fighting entropy demon. This is good. If scared of electricity on wires, know this- deep down it’s just copper rocks that wiggles to do dangerous/smart things. Deep down those rocks do NOT want to wiggle, so it’s easy to make them not wiggle. Or, in different ways: trust yourself, and nobody. Not even yourself. But it’s ok if scared and don’t want to do, but give it a thonk. Understanding and not doing is ok too. But not understanding, not trying, and not doing? Many coins lost to such attitude.

lava control and air magic (hvac etc.)

• Furnace/boiler age, filter size/type, location [make model]
• AC condenser clear? Coil cleaning? (dont let dogs pee on it- very bad)
• Thermostat behavior (programmable? battery backup?) -ppl tend to forget thermostat batteries - some have them!
• Radiators/baseboards? Bleeding needed if go bonk bonk noisy
• Ducts prolly not need clean but every jackass will say ‘u will die of mold’. Look, nurgle comes for us all. ok is fine just try to delay a lil - so if it’s real gross, clean - you WILL 100% know cuz it will smell dead bad.

Urg says: Comfort stuff is complex. Lots of goofy logic in weird places, and easy to see where shortcuts get taken. We hate it, but is needed to not be dead. Drafty hole, old filter, bad labels, weird things that dont make sense. Find them.

the internet

• Where does it come into the house? Where is demarcation point? (place where it stops being the internet company’s problem and starts being yours). At least know where wire comes in and where it go.
• Do you have cat5, cat6 (some youngs call it ‘ethernet cable’ - is technically not true but urg will let it slide. this time.) Unused phone wiring = secret conduit for pulling new wire! very nice.
• WiFi coverage, is it shit? have bricks in walls? is bad for wifi. not much to do but run new wires -but thats easy. but not with bricks in walls. you can figure it out.
• IoT stuff? Thermostats and smart robots? Probably set up some VLANs if you want to be a secure and safe shaman. Protect your cave! Urg knows some people don’t care but its good to try and be aware.

Urg says: Good internet makes things go better; easier to fix when broken. This applies to everything. Knowin basics is good enuf to learn harder later.

sky to rocks

• Roofing material and age?
• Chimney: cap, flashing, efflorescence? (white on brick = water wuz here)
• Attic: ventilation, insulation gaps, signs of monsters?
• Basement: efflorescence, cracks, water demon getting in?

Urg says: Gravity push from top - but bottom where it wind up. Apple dont blow up till it hit ground. Same thing for house. Except it doesn’t fall. Mostly. Gravity always there, pushing down very hard. more words: if thing in basement look crack, look up! thing dont just crack cuz bored. they crack cuz they falling down real slow.

secrets from house ancestors (they lied and were dumb)

• Test walls with a stud finder + voltage mode (don’t drill holes thru pipe either!)
• know how to patch drywall (is not hard, even drywaller can do it and they weirder than urg)
• Floors: squeaks = subfloor movement? Water damage? sometimes just bad job and is not critical
• Doors and windows: do they close cleanly (settling) (if to hard it might mean something weird or easy - not scary, just knowing is good)

Urg says: Old houses say where things don’t line up- new thing next to old thing? old thing next to REAL old thing? wat happend there? now have xray vision. it’s clues to mysteries.

rituals to protect temple (maintenance)

• Test all smoke/CO alarms (replace batteries yearly)
• Check sump pump if have (annual)
• Clean dryer vent, vacuum fridge coils, inspect exterior caulking
  • NO SKIP! DO THIS:really tho clean that gd dryer vent, the tube, all of it.. get a shop vac is not hard.
• Flip breakers and test GFCIs/AFCIs (NOT WHILE STAND IN TUB OF WATER)
• Drain a gallon from water heater (test TPR valve! is easier than think and bad TPR makes water)

Urg says: houses want to fall apart. houses hate houses. do these maintenance rituals to cast spell of binding. its very effective. most ppl do not. is hard to motivate, i know- but is ok. just dont ‘next week’ for 43 years.

write because brain forget most times, and save shiney rock coins

• receipts, paint colors, fixture types, manuals - save them!
• Dates on everything you touch (HVAC filters, roof repairs) (you can sharpie stuff too - make a lil ‘maintanence tag’ for appliances)
• Start a “House Book” could be text doc, binder… back it up! don’t just save ‘house.txt’ on desktop and cry when computer dies.
• keep big expenses and contracts - useful for capital gains when u sell house! (tax strategy - is more complex and sometimes only useful with more expensive house.. but all house are expensive so idk. anyway just keep paperwork like that)

Urg says: Someday, someone else will be happy you wrote. prolly you tho. future you is you but more smarter- give future you more brains now

things to know! no excuses

• * NO SKIP! DO THIS NOW: How to shut off gas/water/electric in an emergency (EVERYONE! not just ‘fixer person’)
• How to drill into different wall types safely (plaster, drywall, masonry)
• Anchoring to studs, toggle bolts
  • don’t hang your tv over the fireplace i swear
    • i mean you can but don’t
• Use of pipe thread tape - follow threads so spinning on don’t ruin seal!
• Basic multimeter usage - if you have HVAC, get one with microfarads // capacitance. more expensive, but worth it for testing capacitor so you don’t have to give HVAC man all your coins when you could buy parts for not even a coin.
• “Minimum viable homeowner toolbag” contents
  • “cartman 39 piece home tool kit” - get the red one, it has cutters
  • before you go crazy on power tools look at whole brand kit - ESPECIALLY for battery stuff - batteries and chargers are MOST expensive, not the tools. get batteries that go with most of things you want to do. Dewalt is expensive but vast domain coverage. Ryobi is home depot brand, also good. Some ppl might say they junk tools but they not that bad.
• “code” vs “works but is bad” - knowing can be very helpful for understanding. every code is written in blood never forget. that said, ppl can be real stupid which makes some codes rly dumb. know how to not die #1 job. always do code, but understand why is better. Helps figure out which things need fix now, and which can be later.
• Always too many things to do, and its ok to feel overwhelmed, even sad or angry! it gets better, promise. is worth it.

Urg says: plan plan plan before do! sometimes look and think “why it done this way, previous owner so dumb” and you laugh. Then you start doing your way- a demon will appear and say “i show you why done this way” and hurt you very bad. Do not tempt demon by laughing at previous owner. Remember you are previous owner too, now. it is ok to look, think, then come back next day and think again. But! Do not fall prey to apathy demon either. He says “later” forever and nobody does anything.

internet bonus power infosec like mean it

• Physical layer > all: don’t forget lockboxes, rekeying (hidey combo locks are great!)
• NO SKIP! DO NOW: change locks! for reals! never know who has key from before!
• surveillance cams is very helpful - can make good pece of mind and also general ‘ups guy was here oh good’
• Wi-Fi segmentation + VLANs = protect your important shit, and dont let work into your shit and don’t let your shit into work. (if WFH, or have any device that touches work).
  • work is bad, but we need work for coins, such is life.
  • treat work device like a creepy creep. cuz it is. trust urg on this.

and hey even if your house still stupid… it’s your stupid now. you can make it less stupid. keep doing things, house shaman. good job.